I try… So hard I try. At first I thought I couldn’t do anything; thought I was powerless and at the whim of the darkness. But over time, through necessity, I found I could overcome the fear. I could “conquer” the pain inside. I fealt wonderful, like I had discovered a cure for my own deteriorating mind. I thought I had the answer. And it worked for a long time, employing the discipline of overcoming, of denying the fear control.
But in truth, I had only found a way of coping with it. The fear, the depression, the anxiety… It was all still there, just packed into a corner, banished to the dark recesses of my mind. I thought I was beating it. But I was only delaying the inevitable. Months later, I found myself right back where I started. A new job, even more stressful than the last. And anxiety attacks more frequent and more potent than ever. I didn’t understand, I knew how to beat this! But everything I did now had no effect. My coping could do nothing to touch this evolved monster. And so I broke. I broke hard every day for a week. Until I couldn’t take it any more. I had to leave.
I left it all: my friends, my career, my home, my community. The things I had spent so much time developing my new life towards, only to leave it behind in shambles as I ran back, tail between my legs like a fucking coward. I ran back to safety. My family took me back but I felt boxed in still. I had only escaped a tiny fraction of the darkness: the real battle was about to start inside me.
So now what? That was a year ago now. How have I grown? What reports do I have on the battles faced since then? More coping. More running. No confrontation. I ran. And I hate myself for it. I am now my own worst enemy. I can’t look at myself in the mirror any more. I identify myself as a Failure. And it’s destroying me internally. All that I learned from before was that I cannot win this war through sheer will alone. That does not confront the fear, merely deflects it to return stronger at a later time.
I know I need to deal with it. I need to confront it all emotionally, rationally, and aggressively. But I feel like I cannot do that without a better sense of self-confidence. I cannot believe in my own ability to even STAND THE FUCK UP if all I see in myself is a track record of failure. So I need a win. I need a landmark, a lighthouse, a mile marker to give me purpose and direction; confidence that THIS is the right way out.
No more coping. No more middle ground. No more grey area. Only progress from here on.
UWC 